my one-sided love story

On our second date. The awkwardness of the first was mostly disappearing, and during our talk, he let slip he had never watched Stranger Things, can you believe it? I took this matter personally and persuaded him to watch it. He agreed only if we watched it together. And it became our thing. We met every week, going on dates and watching our TV show.

Until I started growing feelings. I wanted to talk to him about it, but always picked the worst time. Once, I asked him if he was willing to speak as he fell asleep, and another time when I was on his doorstep running late to catch my bus.

When we finally talked, he was brutally honest. He didn’t want something serious. I was only in Korea for less than a year and his short-term aim was to get married and it couldn’t be me. A long-distance relationship was out of the table. Ouch. That hurt.

To be honest, it was my first relationship and I didn’t want to see the end of it. My friends warned me I would get hurt. So obviously I jumped both feet into it. I made a plan for myself, if I wanted it to work I had to stay detached. I naively believed it would be easy regarding our differences.

You see, I had never fallen in love before, so I assumed that with him, too. I convinced myself that I was “sticking to casual and enjoying the present” kind of person.

We spent a lot of time together. We were having dates, holding hands on the street. Maintaining physical contact at all times.

We went skiing and played in the snow. Sang together on our way home. I mean, he was singing, I am a terrible singer and would have been terrified if he had discovered that.

We went on weekend trips, surfed together, hiked. When I say surf, I mostly spend the day under the water. We cooked for each other and took ourselves to a lot of restaurants. He would always say, "That was good," but after a week he would admit, "Looking back, it wasn't that good.”

We often laugh at the misunderstandings we had because of my piercing Korean accent and my poor English.

“This bear was really good”. He liked to tease me about my Korean tattoo. 

This lasted, 10 months.

During that time, cold anxiety began to seep beneath my chest as I started being genuinely in love with him.  We kept talking about how our relationship would turn out. It kept leading us nowhere. He never wavered from his choice, and I consented to carry it through. Despite that, our communication was quite different, I continued observing that his words and actions were not the same. Since then, as the deadline approached and time was running out, my love for him turned into a weakness.

As departure arrived, we met almost every day, enjoying time together and continuing our binge-watching. 

On the eve of my flight, we went out to dinner, and I had trouble maintaining eye contact all this time. We both sobbed that night as we knew it was the end.

The next day, he dropped me at the airport. None of us flinched. All of our tears were whipped up the night before. We said our goodbyes, kissing and exchanging "see you later," as though I wasn't heading 9000 kilometers away.

After a few weeks, we cut ties. Keeping touch without any plan to meet up hurt.

Until I reached out to him around a month later. At that time, he was preparing for a last-minute trip to France with his friend. He instantly proposed me to join them during their journey. It was a risky wager. I was certain that I would reopen my heart. But well, if that was going to be our final time together, then so be it.

We arrived in Paris around the same time and met at the hotel. Upon our reunion, we had an awkward first encounter where I went for a hug and he tried for a kiss. We couldn’t take our eyes off each other and stop grinning. We had the most amazing vacation.

We went to see the Eiffel Tower, went to the top of Mount Blanc, relaxed in a spa, and visited Geneva. I felt grounded allowing myself to let go in this little moment of bliss even though I knew it wouldn't last. Yes, the trip was short and just as horrifying as it was beautiful, ending the same way as it always did as if we were stuck in a loop. We said our goodbyes, kissing and exchanging "see you later," as though he wasn't heading 9000 kilometers away.

When we split apart one more time in France we kept in touch. But a month later, we finally dared to say goodbye after a year of intermittent relationship.

It has now been six months. During that time, we only reached out several times wishing each other a birthday and sharing some news. Even though I've told everyone that I'm over my feelings for him, I can't go a day without thinking about him. I'm glad he was in my life and did his best to share his heart with me. Although it feels like forever has gone, I realize that I couldn't let go of this connection and decided to treasure the memories and all the lessons I gained from it.